In my last post I recounted how I met my ex-boyfriend, Matt, and my feelings on why I shouldn’t have been with him. My head has a Spock-like logic and my heart is my emotional centre. Like with so many people, the head and heart don’t always work together. I know for a fact we’re better off without each other but my heart wanted so badly to have someone to love. There have been so many times I wished I could bury my emotions the way Vulcans do.
Right after Matt and I broke up, I cried. Not hard but when I told the tale to my friend maybe 4 hours after, there were definitely tears. And then the next day there was relief. I called up a friend and we went for a walk. When I told her I’d been dating a guy and we’d broken up the day before she went into awesome friend mode, gave me a hug and asked if I was OK. I was more than OK. I was doing great. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I no longer spent nights thinking about whether or not I should break up with Matt. BTW, if you’re going to bed crying on a regular basis, it’s time to breakup with him. You have two choices: you can keep dating the person who makes you cry nightly and that is going to be your predictable future or you can break up with him and know that the pain will get better and you won’t be crying over him as much in the future. I felt so light after we broke up. I went out with my friends and went out on weekends instead of waiting for Matt to finally put me first. A few of my friends commented on how happy I was all of a sudden.
But even with feeling like I no longer have an albatross around my neck I do have moments of sadness. Like finding out your ex is dating someone new. I wish them all the happiness and hope they are fated to be together but even with my best wishes, it can still suck for me.
Memories are sometimes your heart’s enemy. My head will relive moments that will make me feel something I don’t want to feel and it can be at the most inopportune moments. Every time I recall something that makes me think, “Why didn’t I listen to my gut?” I try to turn it around by saying, “OK, there was a lesson I needed to learn. Best thing to do is remember that lesson for next time and move on.” I gotta admit though, some days that’s tough shit to do. I hit a rough patch recently. I burst into tears while thinking of him. Then I thought I was getting better and I went for a walk, heard Lady Gaga’s “Million Reasons” and I burst into tears again. It was one of the songs I listened to while agonizing if I wanted to break up with Matt.
Despite knowing practically from Day 1 this would end, that Matt and I should never have dated as long as we did, why do I feel moments of sadness, pain, and anger? I think that’s an easy question to answer: because I’m human and I cared. I’m an empathic person. When I care, I care to the fullest; I don’t do caring in half-measures. I’m upset he couldn’t be the person I wanted him to be for me and I’m upset that I couldn’t be the person he wanted. Because no matter the circumstances, it hurts to realize that someone didn’t want you and that they’ve moved on so seemingly easy from the relationship you had with them. Because as much as I hate to admit it, some days I miss him and some days I miss the idea of him. The idea of having someone love and care for me, someone I could reciprocate those feelings for. Someone who was going to have shared experiences with me. Someone who was going to live and grow with me. But turning this into a positive, now I have the chance to find someone who is better suited for me. Someone who will make me happy and who will be happy WITH me. I know better now what I need to look for and what flags to recognize.
When I talked to a friend about breaking up with Matt, she asked me “Do you see yourself living with this person for the rest of your life?” I smiled at her and said I’d already asked myself that question but I put a different spin on it. My question to myself was “Can I live without this person?” and always, without hesitation, my answer was yes, I can. It seems silly that despite my reply I feel moments of sadness. People are strange beings. We contradict ourselves in so many ways. The pain sucks, no doubt about it, but feel it. The pain reminds you that you are completely capable of of caring for someone. And I like to remind myself that if I feel so deeply about something, there’s bound to be someone out there who feels just as deeply that was meant for me. Don’t let heartbreak stop you from living and finding your life partner.
Peace, love, and happiness.