As I mentioned in my last post, I’m back from being away from the blog for a while. The main reason I was away being that I’d started dating again. That relationship was a #fail. Let me go back to the beginning about how I met my ex (henceforth known as Matt).
A while back my friend, Naomi, joined an app called Coffee Meets Bagel. If you haven’t heard of the app, it was on the TV show Shark Tank. See below for the YouTube video.
Naomi didn’t want to be on the app alone so I begrudgingly joined. The idea behind the app is that you get a limited number of matches per day and if there’s a mutual “like” then a chat window opens. The window lasts 7 days then closes so you either exchange numbers or let the window close and you won’t be able to contact that person again. It’s supposed to make you more deliberate in your choices unlike Tinder where you swipe left or right and you can keep doing that for days on end. What I liked about CMB is that most, of not all, men have an educated background. While that’s not a deal breaker for me, I do find a guy who has been to university a little more attractive. And also the men on the app tend to be more relationship minded rather than one night stands.
I met Matt through the app. However, he was outside of my preferences, I wasn’t physically attracted to him but I thought why not give it a try so we chatted, exchanged numbers and about 2 weeks later met up. Date 1 was at a cafe. We got into the very relationship-minded topics right away – did either of us want kids, age to be married by, etc. Ladies, a heads up, if a guy willingly admits he’s selfish (especially on a first date), run the other direction. Run far. Run fast. Don’t look back. That’s not to say Matt is a bad guy. I honestly don’t think that. He just isn’t the man for me nor am I the woman for him.
I kept my re-entry into the dating scene on the down-low, even from my sisters and my closest friends. It’s obnoxious to have people constantly ask me who I’m talking to and seeing. The two friends who did know were excited about Matt when I showed them his profile. He was nice, friendly, an active guy who they thought would be good to my sometimes tortured writer’s soul. But I’d had years of learning to be happy with my single life and so I was ready to friend-zone Matt after the initial meeting. My well-intentioned friends wanted to see me happy with someone so encouraged me to go out with him again to see if anything would develop. I was not looking forward to our second date.
I have a “three strikes you’re out” rule which is exactly what it sounds like. Despite the mediocrity of the first two dates, by our third date I started to like him a little more and that like climbed but it soon peaked and for me began to fizzle out fast. Even then I kept trying and I kept pushing myself into being with someone I didn’t truly want to be with and pushed my limits beyond what I was ready to do all for the sake of this guy. I was willing to learn about him and what made him happy. I’m a horribly un-coordinated and not sporty person but I was willing to try the things he liked (though he didn’t actually give me opportunity to try them). When I asked him questions, he was honest with me but he also unintentionally gave me many reasons not to trust him. I saw a lot of red flags. I chose to ignore them and continued with the relationship. But I felt on edge all the time. I couldn’t be myself.
I can be outgoing when it’s necessary but I’m an introvert and typically I don’t talk for the sake of talking. My friends know me as a funny, sometimes silly person who can be a chatterbox. My co-workers see me as a welcoming, open, friendly person who sometimes dances in public. But with Matt I was deadly silent. I couldn’t feel comfortable. I couldn’t joke with him the way I joke with others. For him, I think he thought I was too quiet and too reserved.
The questions I asked in an attempt to know him at a deeper level received brush offs and it put my back against a wall, he made invitations that were often subtly taken back, and I felt like there wasn’t really an effort to get to know me as a person or about my family. I felt like he was focused on his own sphere and his own sense of fun. I started reverting to the person I was 5-6 years ago when I had been through an emotional ringer and withdrew into myself.
Looking back at blog posts I’ve drafted but never published, two were about not seeing him again after the first couple of weeks. 20/20 hindsight I should have listened to my gut. But regret isn’t something I dwell on. For me, there’s no point in wishing to change something that can’t be changed. All we can really do is learn from it. At the time of writing this, we broke up 2 months ago and even though I knew it was coming it can still hurt to realize someone isn’t the person you wanted them to be and that that person doesn’t want you.
Until the next post, peace and love especially to those out there going through heartache.