I have a confession to make. I’m a horrible at being a consistent blogger. I know, I know, I have no excuse but remember some time in my earlier writings I mentioned that despite having a condition known as perpetual singularity that I actually do have a life? Yes, it is shocking, even to me! I did take notes on a few things I wanted to blog about but actually forming those thoughts into coherent sentences and paragraphs has not come to fruition.
For tonight’s bedtime story, I’m going to tell you about the time I was uninvited to a wedding. Yes, that’s right, uninvited, not not invited, as in I got a verbal invitation, an informal email invitation, and a save-the-date card but all that means nothing until you get the official invitation. I will be the first to tell you that I hate attending weddings. I would’ve avoided my oldest friend’s and my two sisters’ weddings (to two different men, not to each other – ew, incest) if I could have, that’s how much I hate weddings. It’s not even so much that I’m single at a couples event (although yes, that is a minor part of it) but it’s that I’m a super duper introvert (not shy, just introverted) and I find big groups very tiring.
Last year I was invited to Janice’s wedding. I’d known Janice for about 3 years by the time she and Curt decided it was time to get married and, as I mentioned earlier, I had all these informal invitations. Wedding shall be on the day of my dad’s birthday. Oh crap, I thought. My dad’s birthday versus my friend’s wedding. Normally it’d be no contest, family first but Janice is high maintenance. She’s a nice person but she’s rather self-absorbed. Let me give you an example – one time Janice, a couple of friends, and I had planned to go for dinner. I hadn’t been feeling well the day of the dinner and by the middle of work I had to go home and I knew dinner with the gang would be a bad idea. I messaged my friends and said I wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner as I was sick. Later that night I get an email from one of the friends saying that Janice said, and I quote, “I don’t think SoloSity Gal likes me otherwise she would have been here tonight.” The first thought that went through my head was, “I’m sick and you’re making this about you.” Hindsight this should have been my first clue to freeze her out but instead I let her guilt me and then I felt bad that she thought I didn’t like her.
I was having a dilemma. I just knew if I didn’t go to her wedding citing dad’s birthday that she’d go around saying that I didn’t like her but it’s my dad’s birthday. So, do I risk guilt-trip from Janice and be with dad or do I go to the wedding and miss dad’s birthday to make her happy but make me miserable? Oh god, I’m starting to sound self-absorbed but really, if this were anyone else I’d say “who cares, they won’t even know if I was or wasn’t at the wedding.” By the way, watch the episode of King of Queens called Wedding Presence where Doug, Carrie, Deacon, and Kelly get invited to a wedding none of them want to go to. It’s hilarious and something I actually considered doing at Janice’s wedding.
Anyway, dilemma, dilemma, then one day Janice says to me, “We’re cutting down on the wedding invitation list, it’s getting too big, too short a time to plan everything, and it’s becoming unmanageable. We’re only going to have family there.” It was like a choir of angels singing hallelujah in my ears.
You’d think that’d be the end of the story, right? But it’s not. A day later I see photos on Facebook so naturally I flip through them. Pretty hair, pretty dress, groom cleans up nicely, did a good job decorating the hall… wait, I know that guest, she’s a mutual friend. Wait, I know that guest too! Another mutual friend. And WTF, mutual friend’s friend! And it gets better, Janice’s HAIRDRESSER AND WEIGHT TRAINER! Yeah, that’s right, the lady she pays to get her hair done and the guy she paid to help her fit into her wedding dress.
The words WTF was mirrored in my facial expression. And then I laughed. Really? You think I won’t see the photos you posted on Facebook? I sat there a moment wondering if I should comment on photos saying “You looked great! So did mutual friends, mutual friend’s friend, your hairdresser and trainer!” I was not petty enough to do that (though petty enough to have typed it out then delete it J ). Was I hurt? Truthfully, no. Was I offended? Yes, because I was lied to. I would have preferred it if she were honest with me and said something like “I know you don’t like weddings and I need to cut down the invite list. You got cut.” I would have totally understood. It’s her wedding, she can do whatever she wants but don’t get my friends to lie to me.
After having caught one of our mutual friends red-handed (although not really her fault she lied, I guess) I casually asked how the wedding was and the topic of why I wasn’t invited came up. Guess the reason. Nope, it’s not because I don’t like weddings. Nope, it’s not because she thought I’d be a Debbie-Downer. Nope, it’s not because I wasn’t a close enough friend. Reason? It’s because I was single and wasn’t going to bring a date therefore I would have thrown off her even count. LOVELY! I threw up my hands and for as long as I withheld the eye roll I could hold it in no longer. I still called her a friend after that little incident. It took another 4 months or so before I froze her out and deleted her from my Facebook. I haven’t spoken to her since the freeze-out. You know what’s really funny? A month after her wedding I served as a character reference for her new job.
I had lunch with another mutual friend, Lisa (yes, the same Lisa who tried to set me up with illegal-resident-man whom last I heard went back to home country) last month and she brought up Janice’s wedding. She asked me if I was invited, I said no, I got disinvited. Lisa told me that after all the informal invitations she wasn’t invited either until she very kindly spent 5 hours ironing table cloths and such for her that she received a last minute invite. By then Lisa had plans and didn’t go to the wedding either. Also, by the way, Lisa has not spoken to Janice since about the time I started the freeze-out too.
Oh! And just an addition to the rudeness, Lisa got married about a year prior to Janice. Lisa invited Janice (no, she did not uninvite) and Janice never responded even though Lisa emailed her hand delivered the invitation. The RSVP date was coming up and Lisa needed to know if Janice was going to the wedding so she could start planning the seating chart. By this point nearly everyone had responded. I clearly remember Lisa asking me if she should email Janice and ask her if she’s coming to the wedding. I told her sure but, knowing Janice, I’m pretty sure she won’t respond. Lo and behold, I was right. No response from Janice. Lisa was annoyed (and Lisa is an easy-going person so for her to be annoyed is a big thing). All I could really say was to take her lack of response as a no.
Now is it just me or is all of that gauche of Janice? I understand it all got out of hand but she’s not an organized person. She started inviting people before she even looked at places to have the wedding. Then to disinvite with a lie, have a disinvited friend (whose wedding she didn’t even deign to respond with an RSVP to) do all the ironing and then re-invite her LAST MINUTE (literally 3 days before the wedding) as if it were a pity invite.
On the topic of being uninvited to a wedding, my sister and her friend has an official invitation withdrawn. The bride invited my sister and 2 other mutual friends to said wedding then bride tells my sister and a few of their friends that more family members than expected are attending the wedding so they’ve been disinvited. However, she really wants them to come to the Catholic ceremony, just not the reception (subtext: bring gift). I looked at my sister and told her not to go because Catholic ceremonies are LONG and also because that’s rude of the bride. Uninviting is gauche but to hint that a gift is still desired is bad manners. My sister went but her friend boycotted the wedding and began the freeze-out. That was a few years ago and that friend is really good at freezing-out. She wouldn’t even look at said-bride at my sister’s wedding. Yes, said-bride was invited to my sister’s wedding (I did joke she should uninvite her which would have been awesome if she did because said-bride’s sister is also my sister’s friend).
This is what one of my friend’s did that sounds like a good plan and something I should do if ever I get married. She invited people in waves. The first group of people were the people she definitely wanted to be at the wedding and they had to respond to an earlier deadline. That deadline draws nearer and they have a good idea who’s coming so the second set of invites go out. Same delio then they sent out the third wave. Now that’s the way to do it and no one gets uninvited and there’s no bad mouthing… or well, less of the bad mouthing.
Oh what the hell, if I ever get married I’m eloping to save myself from the headache and costs.