Single And Not Ready To Mingle

I like being on my own. If anything I’ve been on my own so long now that I don’t know how to be one part of a couple. There are some women who don’t know how to be on their own. I know women who have never spent a week in their own company. A week after a break-up they’re already in love with the next guy. It’s very Paris Hilton. I’m sure there are men out there who are like this but for me it’s a bunch of women I know. I have a friend who routinely falls hard for a guy, they break up, she cries really hard, and a week or two later I get a message from her saying she’s met a new guy. I’ve known this person for over 5 years now and I feel bad every time she breaks up with someone because it is hard for her. Some reasons sound a little suspicious to me – he’s found out he’s dying. I can’t say whether or not it’s true, I’ve never met this guy but it just sounds odd to me. Or there were cultural differences – she was once classified as a whore for being a different culture than the guy she was dating. Or he’s moving away. More suspicion.

Here’s a tale I experienced last year. One of my friends, Lisa, has been trying to set me up for the past two years. Lisa and I have very different tastes so any time she suggests one of her friends I’m skeptical. I did go out a few times with one of her friends but that’s a long story that I won’t get into. Needless to say I didn’t end up dating him. She said her husband’s friend is looking for someone to settle down with. Red flags just because this is Lisa trying to sell me meat. She sings his praises and tells me he’s really nice, treats women very well (as with a lot of Latin men – she tends to pitch Latin men to me…), comes from a good family, etc. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “OK, Lisa,” I say with my skeptical look. “What’s the catch?”

She wouldn’t look me in the eye. Bad sign.

Lisa: “Well, his visa’s up and he can’t stay in the country.”

Me: “So… how’s this going to work? Are you thinking he wants a long distance relationship?”

Lisa: “Well… uh… he’s trying to find someone to marry him so he can stay.”

Yeah, you read that right. I can assure you I wasn’t impressed. Here goes the rest of the conversation.

Me: “LISA! ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ SERIOUS? I’m not marrying him. I’m not desperate to be with someone.”

Lisa: “Oh no, I’m not asking you to marry him. I think you’d both hit it off but it’s just he wants a quick way to stay in Canada.”

OK, I pretty much laughed in a very this-is-so-awkward way and said not a chance in hell. I’m not totally sure what the law is in Canada about false marriages for access into the country but I do know that if I sponsor this guy into the country and he becomes a deadbeat and a drain on the system the sponsor becomes financially responsible for the sponsee. For example, say he goes on welfare. As his sponsor I’d be responsible for repaying welfare for his subsistence allowance. I also think there might be jail time if you knowingly did this and to be honest, prison colours do not suit my skin tone. Anyway, last I heard this guy’s chances fell apart and he returned to his home country.

I was reading the news earlier today and came across this article about a prison inmate dating site. I have to admit I only read about half of the article and got lazy and stopped but I assume I got the gist. You know, I’m not sure I’m willing to overlook the fact that someone has murdered or raped someone else. Call me judgemental but I’m sure I’m not alone in this boat. Actually, I think my boat is so full it’s near sinking. But you know what? It’s good to know I have options if I ever feel like I can’t be alone anymore: illegal residents and criminals. Nice. Oh, and also Christian Singles. How they found out I’m single, I don’t know but thank you, heavenly being, for the spam in my inbox.

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