Here it comes… Valentine’s Day *dum, dum, dum!!!*

OK folks, we’ve passed January 21st, AKA Blue Monday. Researchers call this the most depressing day of the year because it’s around this time that credit card payments are due after the Christmas purchasing frenzy and because it’s at this point that most resolutions fail. Mind you, I think this is all hooey but I’m happy to announce that my resolution to remain single is still going strong.

We’re drawing nearer to what some people would call a depressing day for singles – Valentine’s Day. For some reason it isn’t cool for a woman to single after a certain age. She’s labelled “on the shelf” or she’s called a spinster. Gee, that sounds flattering. Have I gathered dust? My ovaries must’ve dried up and disintegrated into dust.

Ahh, Valentine's Day Tim Horton's style.

Ahh, Valentine’s Day Tim Horton’s style.

I’m being inundated with questions about what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day. Um… well, since it’ll be a Thursday I’m going to be doing to a little thing called work. You know, it pays the bills and for the fancy schmancy computer I’m using to type up this blog entry. This is the typical response I receive when I tell people about my big humungo plans (mostly from people I barely know), “Oh… you’re single.” They say it like they feel sorry for me, like I’ve contracted some hideous STD. I’m already crazy, I don’t need syphilis to add to my crazy. Don’t worry peeps, singledom isn’t contagious!

Let me ask all you couples out there something, what do you get your significant other for this day of love? Let me guess… chocolates, a tie, an engagement ring, stuffed animals, flowers, lingerie, sex, a day in a rented Ferrari? I used to have problems thinking of gifts to get my guy for Valentine’s Day (and now I don’t have that problem). In the past I’ve received ill-fitting lingerie and chocolates that make the ill-fitting lingerie even more ill-fitting. I don’t think I’d like a rented Ferrari to remind me of how poor I am and can’t actually afford to buy one. No one has ever given me flowers, mostly because I’m allergic to them, or a ring (commitment? I think I’ll need that Ferrari as a get-away car). When I was single and in my 20s Valentine’s didn’t bother me like it does now and really, it wouldn’t bother me now that I’m in my 30s and single except that I see more of these you-must-have-a-partner-to-be-happy or woe-is-you-for-being-single type advertisements:

dream man pillow

Photo from Amazon.com
Is anyone else disturbed by where dream-man’s hand is?

Taken at a local shop. Grows 4x its size!

Photo taken at a local shop. Grows 4x its size!

Grow a boyfriend sounds about as fun as a pet rock. But hey, it does grow 4 times his size. Ladies (and gay men), don’t you wish other parts of his anatomy would grow 4 times its size? *blush* To make you blush even more, see where pillow-man’s hand is?

Enough of this nonsense! It isn’t a curse to be single. Natasha Bedingfield sang it best when she said “This is my current single status / My declaration of independence / There’s no way I’m trading places…” And if you don’t believe the words of Ms. Bedingfield, let me tell you what is in my Single Woman Kit:

  • Granny undies – so much more comfortable than butt floss
  • Real candies and chocolates (ALL FOR ME and I don’t have to worry about not fitting into ugly lingerie)
  • Comfy PJs
  • An ENTIRE box of wine FOR ME
  • My invisalign (gotta keep my pearlies straight!)
  • My music (yeah, I listen to One Direction…)
  • The remote control (I can watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians without someone telling me how dumb the show is)

What’s not in my kit:

Trap-A-Crap for if you're going to smell up the bathroom with your stench.

Trap-A-Crap for if you’re going to smell up the bathroom with your stench.

  • Spanx
  • Poop smell diffusers (because really, no one’s going to yell at me for stinking up the loo)
  • Salad
  • Anything heart shaped
  • A Thighmaster
  • Heels that’ll cause a twisted ankle (or bunions)
  • Anything hair removal (bring on the hairy legs like it’s Play Off season, baby!)

So, my friends, if you are single, embrace it. When else are you going to be able to stare at a hottie without someone getting jealous and yelling at you?

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